i'll steal you
by Axel bby
Summary: Spoofs, nutshells, and add-ons of Sweeney Todd. For the lulz. Rated T for language and maybe other stuff. Parody.
1. author's note

author's note & disclaimer: i forgot this in my previous chapter

**author's note & disclaimer: to get it over with, I don't own a lot of the lyrics and mostly all the characters in this story. i forgot this in my previous chapter. sorry, so i'm going to upload this as a chapter, again, sorry. alright, i just want to aware everyone; this is not actually written with effort. since it's a parody, i'm not pouring my heart and soul into this. i'm not really thinking about what the fuck comes out of my fingers. it just comes as little jokes of the movie my friends and i have. to me, sweeney todd is as funny as it is serious. sorry if any of this content offends anyone at all. (ie, i might make a mary sue reference and someone my get upset or something because they think i'm dissing o.c.s…) i realize it's hard for someone to write a comedy without someone being enraged. if it does, just leave the fan fiction and don't revisit it. i really don't like people bashing and flaming me. not to act like "oh, woe is me" but i have enough self-esteem problems as it is. **_**helpful **_**criticism is always welcome, so don't think i'll get angry at you. thank you for your time (:**

-_Kelly_


	2. joanna

My book wasn't very interesting

My book wasn't very interesting. Flipping through the pages and wishing it would have something worth value. And suddenly, I hear a distant voice. Wondering if anyone else hears it I look up and look around. I try to make it look a little inconspicuous. But I see the source of the voice. It is a lady in a window!

I must observe her and strain my ears to hear her voice. I mean, she's on the, what, third story and behind some window? Well, she sure is a looker, if you know what I mean. Wait, oh, god! I think she's looking at me… or in my general direction. Eh, maybe she's just looking at this goddamn dog. Stupid dog.

God, her voice. She's so delicious looking. Must get closer… I get up and walked closer to her. Not really minding where I am going. Onto the street. Not really caring if a car came by or anything. But no one drives cars in London anyway. And I'm too star-crossed. Oh, good God! She's smiling at me! At _me!_

(LOL INSERT FREAKY PEDOPHILE SPYING HERE.)

Oh, wow. Oh wow. She's amazing. Oh. Let me gander at her a little longer…

"Alms, alms for a miserable woman!"

Oh. Eh. Better give her something. I give her a little penny to her. "Thank ya, suhr, thank ya,"

She's starting to go away, but maybe she can answer my question. "Uh, ma'am, perhaps you know whose house this is?"

She looks at it. Smiling she grabs a piece of my clothing. "That? That's the great Judge Turpin's house, that is."  
Uh. Kind of weird. "And the young lady who resides there?" I must make this sacrifice for that beaut.  
"Oh her? That' Johanna, his pretty little ward... but don't you go trespassin' there, young man!  
Not if you value your height! Tamper there, and it's a good whippin' for ya, or any other youth with mischief on his mind!" She pulls closer to me. How would ya like a little muff, dear a little jig-jig, a little bounce around the bush! Wouldn't ya like to push me parsley? It looks to me, dear, that you've got plenty there to push!" She makes obscene gesture at me.

Uh. Uh. I am not sure what to take of this. She finally starts to get away from me. "Alms, alms for a miserable woman!"

Well, that was a little weird. Ignoring the fact that I was just verbal molested, I'm going to break out in song about how much I love the girl I saw in a window named Joanna!

(i'm not sure if the judge shows anthony his porno before or after or between this song. because i can't look it up because i lack the movie :c so, that part we shall just ignore… YOU GANDERED AT HER. YES, SIR, YOU _GANDERED_.)

"I feel you Joanna! Because I know what you've been through! Although I'm not quite sure what it is! I was half-convinced I'd waken. Satisfied enough to dream you, happily I was mistaken, because you were just too amazing and sexy for reality! Joanna!" I slam my back onto a wall in some alley way. "I'll steeeeal you," I mutter. "Joanna," I lower my voice and walk like some kind of thief. "I'll steal you…" I fling myself around a corner "Do they think that walls can hide you!?" I leap and do a barrel roll until I'm under some person's window. "Even now I'm at your window," I peek in and there's nothing there. I am kind of relieved. I get up and stalk again slowly. "I am in the dark beside you…" Mm… "Buried sweetly in your yellow pu—haair!" I ran my hands through my nice and soft hair, trying to imagine it being hers.

I break out into a run and grab onto a street post, swinging on it. "I feel you, Joanna!!" I basically yell to the world. And then I slide down to my knees, lowering my body and voice. "And one day, I'll steeeal you…" I leap then to my feet again. "Till I'm with you, then, I'm with you there!" I'm screaming practically. Expressing my love to Joanna. Perhaps she can hear me. God forbid the judge does. "Buried sweetly in your yellow haaair!!"

Ah, wow. That was fun. Now, I'm seriously going to get a plan. I know! I'll go to Fleet Street and see Mr. Todd! Hopefully when I finally show up he won't be in any serious business like getting revenge or something. That'd be just silly, getting revenge. So, let's go!


	3. pretty women

Now that the judge is in my hands, I shall start singing about pretty women

**author's note: veggieburgers are god. enjoy the read.**

**--**

Now that the judge is in my hands, I shall start singing about pretty women. Knowing we were obviously talking about the same person. Well, no not really. Because that would be weird. Because he's talking about my daughter. And… that'd be weird if I was too. I mean, naturally, she looks just like her mother, which is why he'd like her. The only reason he'd like her, pervert. So, just imagine we're on the same subject. It'll make it easier for me to do this with more emotion.

So, now, I shall say just completely random things that pretty women obviously do. "Blowing out the candles. Combing out their hair," he seemed to get my drift.

Just for the record, I'd never seen Mrs. Lovett blow out candles or comb her hair. Therefore, she was not included at all in any sense in this song. Well, okay, she stood on stairs once. But that was just because my shop was upstairs.

Now we get to the more sentimental part of the song. Now, obviously we _are _talking about the same person. Because she "vanished" from us an all. Fucking judge.

_Anyway, _yeah, more random shit that women do (that men obviously don't have the capability to do. Or else that would be weird. Pretty Gentlemen…? Never mind). So, "How they make a man sing," You know, because we _were _singing (it's is a musical for god's sake.) "Proof of heaven as you're living."

Pretty women, pretty women. _Totally _have a joygasm here. Razor just beneath his chin… read… set…

"MR. TODD OMG I'VE SEEN JOHANNA AND LIKE SHE SAID SHE'D LEAVE WITH ME TONIGHT DJAHDHJWDHG…oh shit." He found it completely necessary to say everything in one breath.

Thus came the most awkward moment in history.

Fifty gay babies were probably born at that moment.

**--**

**author's note: did you guys know "never mind" isn't one word?! i didn't. well, until now. yeeah. short. i needed the update. i tried to write a mary-sue chapter but i ended up stabbing myself and sulking in a corner.**


	4. sweeney todd: in a nutshell

Anthony: no place lyk london

**author's note: contains loads of profanity. i was sitting playing a video and this came in my head. i dropped everything and came to the computer. go…me…**

--

Anthony: no place lyk london

Todd: LONDON SUX.

Anthony: D:

Todd: IMA BARBER. :D

Turpin: LOL child molester/ rapist. I ttly stole ur gurl.

Todd: oommmmg D8! ima keel yew!

Lovett: no, luv, u should ttly wait, mmk?

Todd: mmk (:

Lovett: :D

Turpin: lol! ima marry u Johanna. But I've gotta get a shave.

Todd: :iconimhappyplz: aren't women b-e-a-u-tiful?

Turpin: fer sure (:

Todd: I keel u now :D

Anthony: OMMMMMMG I ELOPE WIFF JOHANNA, K?…oshi.

Turpin: NOWAI. Bitch, Todd, u sux.

Todd: kdjfhdajsheriuq3whed I KEEL EVRY1 NOA.

Lovett: o, ok. let's feed 'em to ppl, k!?

Todd: OMG U R SO SMART.

Lovett: i no.

Toby: I r poor orphan boi, luv me.

Lovett: o ok.

Todd, Toby, Lovett: YAAAY PIEZ R FAMMMOUS. FWEE.

Lovett: omg, mr. t, noa that we r ttly awesome noa, we ttly fuck?

Todd: ew. no.

Lovett: .V.

Todd: yah whutev.

Anthony: CRAZY RAPIST PUT JOHANNA IN HOSPITAL D:

Todd: OSHI. Ahahahahahahaa… (:

Anthony: …shure?

Todd: TAKE THIS TO THE JUDGE, ORPHAN, MMK?

Toby: mk! Can I get some—

Todd: STFU AND GTFO. NO.

Toby: -skrm & run-

Timefuck

Todd: o, u need a shave?

Bamford: o, no, no. I need 2 work.

Todd: nooo. U need a shave, rite?

Bamford: weelll… I guess

Todd: of courseeee -keel keel keel-

Anthony: Johanna stay har, k?

Johanna: safe, ja?

Anthony: yeeah. Dun worry, we'll be happppy.

Johanna: -insert super emo comment here-

Anthony: errr… _yeeah. _c ya.

Lucy: lololol. Beeeadle? i c'd uuu. Whar are u??

Todd: ARG. CRAZY PPL IN MY SHOP?

Lucy: omg! u r that I guy that I'm mar—

Turpin: MR. TODDDD

Todd: oshit. –keel-

Lucy: -dies-

Turpin: OMG WHAR'D SHE GO?

Todd: who?

Turpin: …Johanna, u dumbass.

Todd: o. lol. downstairs. the sailor didn't rape her (:

Turpin: o, thnk god. I rly wanted to have that privilege.

Todd: eeeeeeh… I didn't hear that. – sooper keel- ftw.

Johanna: omg D:!

Todd: o god! a total guy! I keel u 2.

Lovett: AHHHHAHEJHEWRUHJSKDHGWER

Todd: …uuh… yeah, brb. –runs to cellar- WHUT HAPPENED.

Lovett: he was alive be I keeled him dead.

Todd: o. let me help u.

Lovett: no I'm kewl.

Todd: LET ME HELP YOU BITCH.

Lovett: …D: …k.

Todd: open teh oven plz.

Lovett: ): -open-

Todd: …omfg. That's lucy. Omfg.

Lovett: o… orly?

Todd: yaRLY.

Lovett: nowai.

Todd: bitch lied to me.

Lovett: noooooo… ahahah.

Todd: I keel u, k?

Lovett: no k D:

Todd: o. –throws into fire-

Todd: -emo emo emo-

Toby: lol –keel- YEAH BITCH. –frolics away-

--

**author's note: me and chat speak don't float. sorry if i use some not chat speak**


End file.
